Me and Mr. S.....sigh~

Writing again! These are the relieved thoughts of an amateur writer. I figured out a therapeutic life saving way for me is through writing. These writings were my way to tell people I don’t want to be alone and this is how I want to be at peace. I can type better than I speak I guess. Is it a gen Y thingy? Last week I met Mr. S, can I address Mr. S as him? No he is way special than that! He's my Mr. S. Do you want to know how we met? At first it was a love hate relationship. I will miss him if I don’t see him for days but at the same time I hate him so much when we see each other.

He was always single; no sane girl will ever want to be with him. Women only like to use him. Men never get him but there was never any attraction between Men n Mr. S. They seem to be more attracted to beautiful Miss W n dangerous Miss C. Even statistics has proven it. Love is a weird thing. He n I met in several occasions since secondary school. He was different back then, more subtle n lighter, he weighs more nowadays. But he is now more dark n cunning; he'll pop up in the middle of nowhere thinking it will be a nice surprise for me. You scare me dear!

He is so possessive when I’m with him. There is always a tinge of suffocation in all in the wrong places. He will strike me at the most improper of times. He started with making me feel important, needing me every moment n pampering me with adequate motivation. And then the fluttering begins, my heart pounds heavily, my head felt heavier n of course my body feels weaker. I have no control of its power and seduction.

He tempts me to do things differently, to be who I don’t want to be.  I’ll scream aloud n need all the saving I can get.  My heart was hollowed; I do things in panic n I forget I am good at a lot of things. I knew I need a way out but figuring how to be apart from him made him wants me more. I will be more uptight, a simple hello will turn bad if someone mentions me about him. I will end up with dark circles because I can’t sleep with him around. The thought of him make me eat more and sleep less. Fortunately, I shower just as many with or without him. It’s a distraught situation.

He will leave me if I find someone else, if I have someone who can listen to me ranting about him. The one that can be with me and makes me not think about HIM! He is always the one that backs off even though he’ll stalk me at uninvited sessions. He’s just inseparable!

Me and one of Mr S disguises....

But……I’ll miss him when he is not around. Without him I’ll lack drive, without him there just no saying “if you fall, dust off and rise again”. His demise and profound way of circling me in his parameters may be something uncalled for but it’s a need like sugar to coffee or bread to butter. He will always be around at times I think I don’t need him the most but that was the most crucial time for him to be there. He will be my guide, my fire and my fuel to start of things I thought I could not finish. He’s my life support even though he is bad for me, he’s my beautiful lie, and he’s my Mr. Stress…..BTW Miss W is Miss Woman and Miss C is Miss Cigarette.  

It's been a while...so let me tell you everything!

I am writing my second entry.....Another book which I've read because of a movie I have seen. The movie was Keith, set in a typical suburb high school where the popular rule and the shy-away never seem to exist. The relationship of the beautiful class president with foreign exchange boyfriend and the invisible Keith Zetterstorm who mysteriously go in and out of school without getting any warning from the school board was explored as they become lab partners in Advance Chemistry class. The typical beauty and the geek set are reenacted with a certain twist. How Keith ask Barbara Anderson out,(see the comparative that the writer used; compare the beauty’s last name starting with A and the geek with a Z, showing a scale of differences) how they enjoy their days together and how they overcome a certain tragedy hanging in between them. The name of the book is Hotel Eden by Ron Carlson. The book has the author’s collection of short stories ranging from a simple high school setting to a complex murder by accident situation. The stories are hilarious, some of which are beyond the logical explanation but interlaced with dark humor.
I had to request my friend to buy it as my birthday present as it was not available in Malaysia, there is an element of force was used but in a good way. Ha-ha! The message brought on by Keith was carpe diem! (Seize the day!). Well observing from ourselves many of us don’t put value on the things we love. We choose to conform to a set of rules pre-laid by our parents and their parents before that. I told my mum I would love to set foot on top of Mt Kinabalu, preferably before marrying and she totally bomb the idea, she say to have those kind of dreams were ridiculous, because it does not gives us the benefit for our future. I would not dare go against my mother because I came from a high power distance communication country(countries that respect protocol and authority) I chose not to say anything but just plan it for myself knowing that I won’t be satisfied until I fulfill those dreams. Mom’s are literally built alike, they usually love when we follow their path but they will support you if she sees you are happy with your decisions, you just have to be tactful when you lay your plans in front of her.

There are many other different stories to be delighted, I read the book about a year ago and some of it has been forgotten, I should have read it again but I can’t seem to since my current books are not finish yet. I love the fact that the stories are all with lessons learnt and in between are quotes worth remembering. One quote that I love most “Let me make a big mistake, Let me tell you everything!” So I better stop now, before I do a big mistake……

Hello there....p.s. i love you

First entry, I’m typing from my mobile. Unfortunately due to the hot weather lately my laptop heats up easily. Maybe I should buy a cooler plate. Truthfully I am a nerd inside: 3 things I can’t live without will be my cell phone; my laptop and of course, books. I Love books! I can wonder for hours around the bookstore or the library. When I was younger usually I went MIA during family shopping trips and be found later snuggled near the shelves of Enid Blyton’s or Sweet Valley’s. Books that started my reading hobby were ladybird learn to read stories and Archie comics. They use to cost my dad less than ten and being the responsible father a weekend to the bookstore become a ritual for our family. A genre wiser, switching from fiction to most non fiction I start my own writing in hopes of providing privilege insights how books enrich and change my life. Contrary to popular beliefs I do believe everything I read n I credit to books I have read growing up for my twisted mind (in a good way). I dream of being a freelance travel writer so I figure I had to start from somewhere, a blog post can be my sparring ground. And in time who knows I might realize my dream after all.

            My first review will be the all-American genre, chic-lit. I saw the movie before reading the book: the famous Cecilia Ahern P.S. I Love You. (I saw it on a 13-hour business flight back to Malaysia) To tell you the truth, I like the movie much better; maybe Gerard Butler as the leading man is an injustice comparison. The novel was somewhat slow, I stop somewhere in the middle and restart back after a month switching to something more fast pace in the middle. The character development was good however I think the plot became too exaggerated. It was suppose to be a letter from the dead husband to advice the woman to live life and move which turn into a one year stint and somehow making it harder for the woman to let go. But you’ll like the choice of words, the setting of beautiful Irish background and the supporting friends and family. You will feel at home at how normal the characters are develop, something you can relate to yourself even. This woman is very much dependent on her life partner, who does not have a clue what to do with her life because most of the time she lived for two. She can’t even decide if she needed a bedside lamp let alone choose a career! I’m sure there are thousands of these kinds of character even in Malaysia alone.

            To relate it with real life is easy, but to really understand how people need each other and sometimes up to a point of unbearable pain that they just give up living when their other half is gone, that require a very high reasoning skills. When I go to work every day, I will pass by a cemetery where at 7.20 a.m. an ‘atuk’ (Grandfather) will sit by a grave and recite the ‘Yasin’ (holy prayers read by Muslims). It is a sight to behold. My mum said he’s reciting for his late wife. At first you wander what kind of mistake that he did that he was there every day without fail except for rainy days. But throw out the prejudice, you appreciate how he misses his wife and see how diligent he commits to his wife without fail even after her death. One day I hope I will be appreciated even in my death like his late wife. Insya Allah.

            Relating the story above, I know there are some who jump at the opportunity to marry another. Yeah, maybe they moved on, maybe time to heal is shorter for them. Maybe their side of the story should be taken in as well. I know someone who got married just 4 months after his wife died, but his part of the story is he loves his wife dearly. No doubt, his wife was paralyzed due to stroke and he had been taking care of her until her death. He should be praise for his patience but most just slashed at his aftermath. I was one of them at first; I do have a habit of do first think later. But I regret what I said and think back, it is time for someone to take care of him, he deserves it. =)

"The two people I love the most. Al-Fatihah to my Grandmother Wan Maznah who passed away March 2009"

            To have someone you love so deep die and never could rise again after that is something I haven’t yet felt but I hope I will be strong enough. I know there are rules of individuality in a relationship where you keep your individualism to contain your independence from your partner. But how far does this individualism goes; do you still get crushed when he/she is gone? How dependent is too dependent that you can’t seem to move on after his/her passing? Is there such thing as love until death does us apart? I have seen this kind of love from the Atuk every morning before I go to work. I hope I do receive this kind of love but I hope the pain of passing through without the ones you love is something I can bear. Please God help me if the burden is too much for me. Amin…..